WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – The iRumors News Agency has just reported that, after first insisting that he is as fit as Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell has come clean.
He has admitted that the bruises, purple hands, Band-Aids, nose cast, and blue lips are a result of him slipping while brushing his teeth.
The senator from Kentucky, who will most probably lose his senate seat which he has held for over 70 years, is lying through his teeth, according to iRumors.
A neighbor of the senator said that he is 99.3 % certain that McConnell’s wife, Ling Ling, most probably beat the hell out of him.
The neighbor, who would only give iRumors his nickname, “Sparky”, said that the couple fights all the time – and Ling Ling, who is a native of Chopsticks, China, always, always wins.
Meanwhile, a private investigator has learned that the senator has put a restraining order on his mean-as-hell wife, who only stands 4 feet 7 inches, and weighs 83 pounds.