We've all encountered them-- the nasty, ornery old guys that can't stand it when you get anywhere near their front lawn. And now one man in the suburbs has lost his voice by yelling at so many 'Covid-19 Detourers', that he's been forced to use a megaphone to shout at the intruders to "Get off my grass!" from his front porch.
Edgar E. Grankley was already at a loss as to why so many of the neighborhood kids walked on his lawn. "I just planted new grass seed in 2008! And now look at my lawn!"
However, in this pandemic age, things got worse. Much, much worse, hence the moniker, 'Covid-19 detourers', coined by Mr. Grankley.
"What are those? They're little bastards, that's what they are!" Grankley replied, when asked to define the term. He added, "But I call anyone that walks on my grass a 'Covid-19 Detourer', because they're walking on the sidewalk like a normal ham-and-egger, and then, when they see someone else approach them, anyone else, man, woman, child, Commie, they suddenly walk all over my grass to avoid them and not get the Covid-19 cooties, while the other person stays on the sidewalk!"
The reasoning escaped Old Man Grankley. "Why're they doing this?! Just keep walking past the other person, and don't walk all over other people's lawns! Just don't breathe on each other when you're right beside each other for that half-second! That way, you won't get the Covid-19 yuckies! Just like you won't get another person's B.O. or gay urges when you walk by them!"
Even as he was explaining his Old People rationale to me, we both observed such an incident take place right before our eyes. A woman was pushing a baby stroller on the sidewalk in front of Grankley's home, while someone walking in the opposite direction did, indeed, step off the sidewalk, and trudged across Grankley's lawn to avoid her.
"HEY, YOU!" blared Old Man Grankley's gravely voice through his megaphone, making the intruder stop in his tracks. "GET OFF MY GRASS, YA STUPID KID!"
"'Kid?!" bellowed the intruder. "I'm only 5 years younger than you, Grankley, ya blind git! I'm a senior citizen, too, ya dope!"
"YOU'RE ONLY A JUNIOR SENIOR IN MY BOOKS, BUCKO! AND STAY OFF MY GRASS, OR I'LL TALK TO YOUR PARENTS ABOUT YOUR TRESSPASSING ON MY PROPERTY!"
And with that, another annoyed 'Covid-19 Detourer' stomped off, aware of the consequences of walking on someone else's lawn..