Russian Sleeper Agents Aiding Trump Reelection Campaign: Schiff to Investigate

Funny story written by Charles Havers

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

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Adam Schiff announced today that he is launching an investigation to determine the extent to which Russia sleeper agents are interfering with the 2020 elections. Schiff has learned from ex-FBI director James Comey that the mayors of Portland, Chicago, and Seattle are Russian agents who are allowing the violence in their cities to continue in an effort to assist Trump’s reelection effort.

Politics is all about the narrative, and, right now, Trump is surging with his “law and order” interpretation of events. He is blaming Democratic mayors such as Portland’s Ted “Wussie Boy” Wheeler, Chicago’s Lori “Little Brain” Lightfoot, or Seattle’s “Summer of Love” Jenny “Dumb___” Durkan for the ongoing violence.

Trump’s narrative might be flawed, however. Apparently, an ex-CIA informant told a low-level Trump campaign official (a Mr. Papapapadoulos [“Papapapa”) about the Russian operatives. Papapapa passed this on to a Belarusian diplomat who told her boss about her pillow talk with Papapapa. He told ex-FBI lover boy and counterespionage section chief, Peter Strzok, who passed the information onto Comey, who had the law firm Perkins Coie prepare a memo of the events for Schiff.

What is still not understood is why the Russians are backing Trump. Maybe Trump, like Wheeler, Lightfoot, and Durkin, is a Russian agent; maybe the Russians figure that four more years of Trump might lead to the landslide election of Bernie Sanders in 2024. Who knows? We’ll leave it to the dogged Schiff to get to the bottom of things.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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