Oatmeal Successfully Brainwashes Another Generation

Funny story written by Adam J. Hushin

Wednesday, 2 September 2020

image for Oatmeal Successfully Brainwashes Another Generation
This bowl of oatmeal is likely responsible for several war crimes.

A mushy pile of milled oat grains has somehow convinced another generation of Americans that it is a viable breakfast option.

A recent study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania has revealed that teens and young adults enjoy eating oatmeal, just like their fathers’ fathers, and their fathers’ fathers before them.

The crafty collection of white oats continues to evolve its strategy for brainwashing the American people.

In 1929, oatmeal exploited its control over the federal bank to create an extreme recession that would force Americans to practice cheap eating habits, like having oatmeal for breakfast.

In 1963, the cynical efforts continued with the introduction of the flavor “maple and brown sugar”, which, to this day, holds tremendous power over the average American household.

The latest strategy is the boldest yet. Instead of convincing today’s youth that oatmeal itself tastes good, the oat concoction weaves an intricate web of deception that convinces individuals that oatmeal tastes great when other ingredients are added. Fruit, chocolate chips and peanut butter are popular accomplices to this scheme.

Responses from subjects involved in the recent study revealed the effects of oatmeal’s covert propaganda.

“I love to mix in fresh blueberries and banana into my oatmeal in the morning,” one woman said.

“I’ve eaten oatmeal for breakfast every day so far this week,” confessed another.

When asked if they wouldn’t prefer something like an omelette or pancakes for breakfast instead, the subjects in the study scrambled to provide an answer that didn’t dismiss oatmeal.

“Well, yeah, but who has time for that?” was the most common response, elevating the once-radical theory that oatmeal can manipulate time and space.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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