Citing data from Johns Hopkins University, the Center for Disease Control, (CDC) announced the immediate halt to colonoscopies. According to the CDC, there is emerging evidence the notorious Covid-19, aka coronavirus, aka kung flu, is capable of entering the human body from any human orifice. The CDC did not indicate how long the restrictions would last.
During a 30-minute press conference, CDC Director Robert Redfield explained his order and answered questions. "Covid-19 is a sneaking rascal. It started through the front door, but now is a backdoor man, you might say. It has mutated. Apparently, mass face mask compliance triggered evolution, and corona found an alternate route. Credit goes out to Spike (that's what I affectionately call Covid-19, ha ha) because it is an ingenious and daring little guy to enter through the exit.
Doctor Max Sphincter, Director of Laser Surgery, Camarillo State Hospital, was not surprised by the data or the CDC order. "Let me tell you something about Covid-19--its here to stay. One way or another, its gonna get you, because no one can hold their breath and pucker up at the same time forever."
Sensing a market opportunity, 3M indicated it would commence producing masks for "all occasions". 3M CEO, George Buckley, released the following statement: "For people suffering from flatulence, this is a reasonable step to take to protect family and friends, and a way to stop community spread."