Deutsche Bank penalized and pays $150m for Jeffrey Epstein ties - but not the one he used to commit suicide

Funny story written by sean hodgson

Wednesday, 8 July 2020

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Die with dignity - choose silk

The beleaguered financial institution Deutsche Bank are reviewing their questionable investment in Jeffrey Epstein’s collection of fine silk ties, as it could be regarded as distasteful.

Brinhilda Von B’Lox, the bank's risk analyst, said ‘Epstein was in the news, and a celebrity, so we took a punt on the collection. The suicide tie was inherited from Epstein’s will, but we now feel it would be inappropriate to display it.’

The bank is also under scrutiny for their irregular cash handling procedures with the laundry firm ‘CashCleaners’. ‘We assessed if there ever was a virus, that could be transferred by handling cash, this would be a good business to be in,’ added Von B’lox. ‘In one sense, we were right, but we were also wrong.’

Von B’Lox was tasked with undertaking a site visit of the laundry located underneath Epstein’s New York penthouse. ‘Yes, most of the staff were young, female, extremely attractive and only wearing underwear, but it was hot and steamy, and I assumed washing their own clothes while working attracted a staff discount.’

Mr Nabokov, the laundry manager, remembers Von B’Lox’s visit. ‘Ya, I vas busy counting zee suitcases of money, Dollars, Euros, Roubles, zee usual, and all very clean. She vas attractive, young and female, so I showed her zee elevator zat goes directly to Epstein’s master bedroom suite.’

‘Mr Nabokov was a sweet old man who took an interest in photos of my young daughter,’ said Von B’Lox, ‘but nothing about the business seemed suspicious.’

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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