After four years, the American people will finally get to see their president's dirtiest secrets. Trump's tax returns are coming out, and they are seriously gay.
"The tax returns are nothing to be proud of," says tax lawyer, Geoffroy Bentos. "Trump has received more discrete payments in roubles than a Siberian rent boy. His taxes show more signs of fiddling than one of Michael Jackson's sleepovers."
Trump often calls his bank account "my beautiful launderette", because of the amount of laundered Russian money that passes through it.
"Trump's embezzlement schemes have fucked more Americans than Harvey Weinstein," added Bentos. "When Trump's tax returns finally come out of the closet, there's going to be a lot of clenched buttocks out there. A lot of people are going to get shafted."
"It's fair to say that, after these tax returns come out, Trump will have to change his first name to Dorothy, not just because he will be wanted in fifty states, but also because any friend of Dorothy's involved in this new Russia tax scandal will be rigorously probed by the law to get to the bottom of this massive tax fudge."