San Francisco Names Ambassador to Autonomous Zone

Written by Charles Havers

Thursday, 18 June 2020

image for San Francisco Names Ambassador to Autonomous Zone

London Breed, the Mayor of San Francisco, announced today that the city will send an ambassador to CHAZ, the “Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone” in Seattle. Breed explained that she and the entire city council greatly admire what had been accomplished in CHAZ, and announced that she has selected Dr. B. M. Sheetz, an attorney and community activist, for the newly-created position.

Dr. Sheetz, who holds a PhD in critical theory as well as a JD from Berkeley, is best known for successfully arguing, before the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, that defecating on the streets of San Francisco is a symbolic speech act protected by the first amendment. Sheetz contended that public pooping is an excellent way to protest the many injustices that capitalism and the privileged white male power structure have burdened America with. Accordingly, it is entitled to the same privileges one receives when burning a flag or wearing clothing with a protest message.

Sheetz indicated that he is proud to accept the new position, and is there to learn from CHAZ and its methods. He believes that CHAZ provides a model which communities throughout the country can learn from, and is calling for protestors throughout the country to form autonomous zones.

He noted: “We are now in a post-poststructural era, which will put the critiques arising from structuralism and poststructuralism to good use, and give us a better world.”

Sheetz then excused himself, explaining that he intended to exercise one of his symbolic speech rights.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more