Michigan Citizens Unite to Demand Soul Crushing Work Routines Not Be Thwarted By an Uncaring Government

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Thursday, 16 April 2020

image for Michigan Citizens Unite to Demand Soul Crushing Work Routines Not Be Thwarted By an Uncaring Government

(Lansing, Michigan) Michigan citizens rallied in their state’s capital this Wednesday, demanding their governor allow them to return to the soul crushing work routines they were trapped in before the Coronavirus pandemic rolled into their state.

Governor Gretchen Whitmer, concerned for the health and safety of her state’s residents, recently extended her stay at home order to April 30th. The order includes not only strict stay at home requirements to include allowing the gathering of family members only residing in the same household, but also forbids the sale of products not deemed “essential”.

The rally, named “Operation Gridlock,” was rapidly organized to counter the governor’s actions. “These libtard press sheep have gotten to our governor, and we’re not going to take it lying down,” railed Antoni Nowakowski, one of Operation Gridlock’s organizers. “She has no right to keep me from pursuing my American Dream by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for an hour each way to my office job as a claims processor for Health and Human Services. It’s my right to live that lifestyle five days a week, so I can raise my latchkey kids and take my frustrations out on my wife when she’s around.” Antoni then walked off to wave a Don’t Tread on Me flag and join the protesters in singing “Proud to be an American”.

Rosanne Miller, another protestor, added, “America was built on the backs of people willing to compromise themselves for awful career choices that lead to soul-crushing boredom and dread. What else can you talk about at weekend barbecues with your neighbors? I always look forward to Saturdays in my neighbor's backyard, complaining about dirty coffee pots in the breakroom or when the copier runs out of toner. And now our governor wants to strip that from me? This ain’t Russia!” Rosanne was suddenly distracted by a call from her husband, who reached out to let her know their government stimulus checks hadn’t been deposited into their checking accounts yet. “Well, let’s hope Costco keeps the deposit on that new 4K TV we want,” she mentioned before hanging up.

By jamming up afternoon traffic in Lansing with hundreds of cars and groups of tightly packed people, Michigan citizens have certainly shown their reticence and resolve in the face of science, logic, and caution.

Of note, at press time, 150 of the protestors were reported as having tested positive for Coronavirus.

We celebrate this bold act of protest; it is all that’s needed to keep America great!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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