Nashville Man Thinks World Is Upside-Down but Respects that World Doesn't Care What He Thinks

Written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 20 May 2020

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As a non-doctor and non-politician, Nate Parker respects that no one cares what he thinks about the U.S. pandemic response.

Witnessing comedy clubs implementing contactless temperature-monitoring of guests and people going for their daily jog in face masks, all in the name of curbing the spread of a disease comparable in severity to the flu, Nate Parker of Nashville, Tennessee, admitted to secretly thinking that the coronaivirus-responding world is upside-down, but emphasized that he respects that the world doesn’t care what he thinks.

“I’m not sure how they’re going to enforce the two-drink minimum at the comedy club with everyone wearing face masks," he said, "but I’m sure they’ve got really smart people figuring that out. Who am I, really, to ask questions? I’m no expert."

Nate noted, too, that the prospect of contact tracing and apps tracking his every move to ensure his lack of contact with virally-inappropriate humans somewhat creeps him out, but, again, he has utter confidence in the good faith and discretion of the government in employing such measures. “Actually, I don’t,” he then backtracked. “But other people seem to, and I respect that. Well, not exactly respect, but acknowledge, accept, observe, whatever.” He shook his head. "I'm also not sure how the Constitution plays into all of it, but I'm sure lawyers somewhere are taking care of that."

More than anything else, though, Nate sought to underscore his own humility. “Again, I’m not a doctor, I’m not a politician, and I’m not a corporate pharmaceutical executive, so it makes sense that no one cares what I think. I’m a hundred-percent okay with that. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He smiled and sighed. “Okay, honestly, it might be nice if one person cared - just one. But seriously, no big deal. I don't need to be validated or agreed with or understood all the time, or even ever. I'll be fine. I'm a grownup. I'll muddle through."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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