Coronavirus: Things We Should Expect To Happen Next

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 19 May 2020

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It's too late to worry about washing your hands now

The Coronavirus, COVID-19, is said to have surfaced in Wuhan, China, in January this year, but French scientists claim that patients on whom they ran tests in November 2019, were already carrying the virus.

So far, we know very little about it as it makes its way around the world, but, if we don't know what we're dealing with now, what hope do we have for the future?

TheSpoof.com has taken a look at things we might expect to happen next with COVID-19, and, for some of our more sensitive readers, this may make for uncomfortable reading.

1) the virus might mutate - indeed, it might already have mutated, but is keeping quiet about it, and just waiting for us to develop a vaccine and think we are saved. Then, it jumps from behind a cupboard in its mutated form, and ... well, you know the rest.

2) the virus might grow arms and legs - if the virus does mutate, its mutation may not be subtle. It could balloon out of all proportion, and grow human-like limbs. This would be a major disaster for Man. And Woman. And all those different gender alternatives that are kicking about, these days.

3) the virus might develop opposable thumbs - this would enable it to grasp objects and start doing other things with its hands, like holding knives and guns, a spoon for eating its Corn Flakes, and

4) the virus might go into politics - some would say, it's halfway there already, with its creeping, insidious, manipulative behavior, and lack of concern for humanity. It would, no doubt, find some unseen way to win the US presidential election in November, and become the first Viral President of the United States. Then we'd be in trouble!

5) the virus might wipe out capitalism - it's immediate effect on the world's economy can already be seen: lockdowns, businesses without business, people with no money, a society paralysed. Perhaps it will destroy the idea of 'money', and organise the world in a way that is much fairer to all, and annihilates the concept of 'wealth'.

6) the virus might abolish all concepts of 'nations' and 'states' - who needs countries, when you are an all-powerful, freely-moving deadly virus - nobody's going to ask to see your passport. Land is land, and water is water; it's all the same to Covid-19, which goes where it wants, unhampered by humans who think they can regulate who goes where, and levy fees against fellow humans for merely moving around the land surface on which they came into existence.

7) the virus might colonise another planet - well, as many of our wasteful governments will tell you, "it's the next logical step". Spreading outwards is what viruses do, so it would make sense for C-19 to go stellar.

We can but hope.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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