Reopen Your Hearts

Written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 17 May 2020

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Farts are harder to detect if you do them outside

Professional liar and part time politician, Michael Gove, has stated that “schools are perfectly safe to reopen”, then immediately said “the only way to be safe from the virus is to stay at home”. Which is going to be difficult if the government are forcing people to go back to work and kids to school. But it’s fine, because it’s safe to open the schools. But the only way to truly stay safe is to stay at home. But it is safe for the schools to open. But only if everybody stays at home while simultaneously returning to work and going back to school.

Fuck this, here’s this lady we met at a socially distant meet up. We gave her £30, and she told us about the piss poor hand job she could have given us if it weren’t for Coronavirus.

She said:

"Would you believe that cunt? They said a similar thing about the care homes, and my grandmother's care centre looks like something from the Black Death."

We at Back and to the Left news welcome the steps that will eventually see things return to normal. That’s mainly because we’d be able to start breaking into people's sheds again. The idea of sending kids back to school is a great one because we hate seeing children.

However, until the House of Commons is back to its animal pen-crammed best, do you think it’s safe? Really? Bet you think the world is flat, too.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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