Brett Kavanaugh, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, appears to have finally learned his lesson from the MeToo Movement.
In an interview ostensibly about the constitutional ramifications of Covid19 and the growing concern about the erosion of privacy wrought by enforced social distancing, mandatory testing and electronic tracking, CNN’s Don Lemon, apropos of nothing (as usual), asked Justice Kavanaugh what he thought of the recent sexual assault allegations against Democratic Presidential Nominee, Joe Biden, and how (not if) it impacts his qualifications to serve as President.
Appearing visibly distraught over the issue, Justice Kavanaugh launched into an impassioned polemic about the Supreme Court’s failure to keep current with modern, enlightened notions of mob justice, or, what others archaically refer to as “due process.” He acknowledges that he remains a strong originalist but maintains that the novel MeToo-inspired presumption that one is guilty until proven so is not, in fact, at odds with the Court’s traditional application of mob justice [sic] [due process]. Rather, the presumption of guilt based upon only weak, stale evidence merely represents the natural arc of constitutional evolution.
"After all,” according to Kavanaugh, “the Framers did not have yearbooks back then, and they certainly didn't have keg parties. If a woman wanted to humiliate a person with salacious accusations, destroying his career and alienating him from his friends and family, she had no recourse other than to present actual evidence."
Looking confused, as if Kavanaugh had transitioned mid-sentence into a foreign language, Lemon stammered, "What do you mean by 'actual evidence?' Do you mean witnesses?"
"Yes," responded Kavanaugh, "and if they were white, male property owners, even better. But I digress. The point is, that kind of evidence is now superfluous at best – in fact, it's simply irrelevant to any dispassionate, reasonable analysis. As my colleague Ruth says, 'witnesses shmitnesses.'"
"So,” Lemon asked with a knowing twinkle like a child seeking a parent’s affirmation, “this 'evolution' that you speak of – do you attribute it to the woke media, which heroically gives a forum to the pointless [sic] [voiceless], manufactures [sic] [shapes] the issues and sanctimoniously [sic] [objectively] conveys them to the public? Or are we just smarter than the Framers?”
Kavanaugh, turning ruddy, remonstrated, “No one is smarter than the Framers! But we have evolved beyond the need for intelligence. You see, the Framers were all about science-based knowledge, logic, and ancient philosophies of fairness and democracy. But all that is inapplicable today because we have learned to eschew burdensome facts in favor of what really matters – clickable outrage. Or again, as Ruth would put it, the ‘Oy Factor.’”
A skeptical Lemon probed Kavanaugh as if to determine whether he was being sincere or if he was merely saying what he thought people wanted to hear so that he could once again show his face at his daughter’s piano recitals. “So what about you? You were accused, and you sure didn’t take it very well as I recall.”
Kavanaugh, now a moist, glistening shade of crimson, took a deep breath and appeared to quickly pop something in his mouth before washing it down with a conspicuously displayed bottle of vegan soy milk.
“Look, I may be a Justice of the highest court in the United States, I may be a Yale Law graduate and public servant with a prolific, unblemished career in the federal courts, I may be a good husband and father, but I’m only human. I was wrong – I see that now. I mean if my accuser said that I laid down on top of her in a beer-fueled stupor and frightened her 30 years ago, it must be accepted as true. Period.
Oh, and it must also be true that the event objectively rose to the level of assault. After all, she testified that the event was ‘indelible in the hippocampus.’ Shit – I can’t argue with that. It's god damn science! And she’s a psych professor, for fuck’s sake! Meanwhile, psych was my eight o’clock class freshman year, and you better believe I was usually sleeping in after nights of beer bongs and, so I hear (hence it too must be true), thrusting my penis in people’s faces. Plus, I thought the hippocampus referred to Radcliffe because that’s where all the fat chicks went.”
“Wow,” fawned Lemon, “that’s remarkable. How long did it take – this process of self-correction? Did we in the media play any role in bringing you to this low, epiphanal moment?”
“Yes, actually. And the process started even before I gave my testimony, in which I dared defend not only myself but also certain silly, old fashioned notions of justice. I think it was when I saw the NY Times article about Professor Ford’s testimony, which had the headline: ‘With Caffeine and Determination, Ford Relives Her Trauma.’
"I mean c’mon – there it was plain as day and as truthful and accurate as anything the Times ever published. By reporting ‘her trauma’ as fact – right up there in the headline, no less – rather than as allegation, the Times brought me to my knees with the sudden acceptance that the accusations were undeniable – even by me – since, after all, she made them with caffeine and determination.
“As for Biden’s accuser,” concluded Kavanaugh, “I don’t know all the facts yet. But then again who needs ‘em, right? So, in answer to your original question – what do I think of the Biden sex allegations – my answer is and always will be: you tell me.”