CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 7 May 2020

image for CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods
While public parks may look pretty, they're a hotbed of lurking viruses, warned the CDC.

Cognizant that months of sheltering in place will have made people especially vulnerable to bacterial hazards, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with Bayer AG, which acquired what used to be Monsanto in June of 2018, to disinfect the entire outdoors, including woods, gardens, front lawns, backyards, and public parks, so that when the coronavirus lockdown is finally fully lifted and some Americans opt to risk venturing out into the open air, they are not immediately struck down by a rogue germ.

"Public parks may look pretty, but don't be fooled," warned CDC Director Robert Redfield. "They're a hotbed of lurking viruses."

He added, "Obviously, not going outside at all is optimal. But we recognize that, for some Americans, that may not be sustainable over the long term."

Redfield went on to explain that sanitizing rocks, trees, shrubbery, and dirt will go a long way in mitigating the dangers of the publicly manicured wilderness. And for the hundreds of millions of Americans immunocompromised after months of not being exposed to normal levels of viruses and bacteria which would, under ordinary circumstances, keep their immune systems robust and capable of warding off such generally innocuous bugs as the coronavirus, former-Monsanto’s signature weed-killer, Roundup, will serve to make the outdoors that much safer by killing any virus or bacteria with which it comes in contact. “At least we think it will," said Redfield. “Fingers crossed on that one."

The potentially protective aspect of Monsanto's Roundup will come at a logistical cost, however; given that Roundup kills plants, all of the flora in public parks will first need to be genetically modified so as to be able to withstand being sprayed with the highly toxic herbicide. “That means that the parks will need to stay closed just a little longer so that we can switch everything over to GMO,” said Redfield. “But I think everyone will agree it's a small price to pay in the war against the virus.”

Bayer stock skyrocketed in value following the announcement of the partnership with the CDC, and it is expected to climb still further in the weeks to come, since many United States courts are closed to the public due to coronavirus pandemic, eliminating the specter of another Roundup cancer trial in the near future. “It’s all coming together for Big Pharma and Big Government and the American people," said Redfiled. "Again, stay safe, everyone. We're all in this together."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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