Boris Johnson To Announce End Of UK Lockdown

Written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 6 May 2020

image for Boris Johnson To Announce End Of UK Lockdown
Descended from the Hattian invention: a lawnmower being looked at by a cat, yesterday

Coronavirus News: According to a Downing Street source, Prime Minister Boris Johnson will, later this week, announce the government's blueprint for a total release of the UK lockdown that has been in place since Monday 23rd March.

"Prime Minister Boris Johnson will, later this week, announce the government's blueprint for a total release of the UK lockdown that has been in place since Monday 23rd March", said the Downing Street source, yesterday.

We have had confirmation of this today, from the same Downing Street source, who said, today: "I can confirm, today, that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will, later this week, announce the government's blueprint for a total release of the UK lockdown that has been in place since Monday 23rd March".

The Downing Street source was a London man dressed for his daily walk as an alpaca herdsman from the ancient Moche people of Northern Peru, who kept winking and saying "I'm just making this up to keep boredom at bay, you know: I'm lying through my teeth - which are in much better condition than they would have been if I was really a Moche alpaca herdsman from 600 AD, if you needed more proof of my unreliability as a spokesperson for Boris Johnson, who is himself hardly a role model where veracity is concerned", - so we wouldn't take any notice of what he said, as he is clearly off his rocker.

In other news, the Two David Livingstones are finding life in their new bungalow at Ansty "quite the challenge".

"It's proving quite the challenge", said David Livingstone, yesterday.

"It's certainly been quite the challenge so far, this new bungalow", confirmed David Livingstone, also speaking yesterday.

He went on: "This is the first bungalow we've lived in, and it's proving quite the challenge."

"Yes, quite the challenge", the other David Livingstone was quick to confirm. "We're not used to living all on the one level. It's playing havoc with our attempts to arrange our objets d'art."

David Livingstone interjected, at this point, to agree, and to elucidate the point. "Yes, as David implies, the placement of our objets d'art is absolutely crucial for us. It's because of this that we keep having to move house.

"Last night, only two days after moving from the semi at Bracklesham..."

"Superb access to the fossils of the Bracklesham Beds!" interrupted the other David Livingstone.

"Yes, David, superb access to..."

"But we simply couldn't place the papier mache bust of Hereward The Wake!"

"No, David", continued David Livingstone, we just couldn't find that perfect spot for the bust. We were at the end of our tether, so we went for this bungalow..."

"Ample floor space!" interjected David Livingstone again.

"Yes", confirmed David Livingstone. "Plenty of floor space...."

"But with no staircase, it's causing havoc already!" shrieked David Livingstone. "Havoc!"

"Yes, David", agreed David Livingstone. "Havoc. Chaos. We think we have discovered quite the corner for the bust, and we've hung our Mongolian tapestries..."

"And I've got my pelmets set up, and the aspidistra has settled in already!" yelled David Livingstone.

"Yes", continued David Livingstone, after the interruption. "It's not been all doom and gloom.

"But," he explained, "we would have liked to be able to festoon a staircase with our collection of imitation Hittite miniature sculptures. We've got the lot, we have, depicting all aspects of Hittite society. We've even got some lawnmowers. The Hittites invented the lawnmower, it would have been pulled by young cattle. Well, strictly speaking, it was invented by the Hattians, so much of whose culture was of course absorbed by the Hittites. The Hattians had only hand-drawn lawnmowers. It would have been nice to have some miniatures of those original lawnmowers, actually, but there are no remaining depictions to base any imitations on. But anyway, Hittite or Hattian, we haven't anywhere to festoon them here in any case. We never thought it would be such a problem until we got moved in. But now we are ensconced, it's all rather confining!"

"The Hittite miniatures are our piece de resistance!" screamed David Livingstone in confirmation of what his companion had just said. "They're created by an artist friend of ours who lives up the road in Cuckfield, called Henry Morton Stanley."

"Amazingly," continued the other David Livingstone, "another of our friends, the one who we rely on for soft furnishings, is also called Henry Morton Stanley. He lives in Partridge Green. It's ridiculous but true!

"But the Hittite miniature issue is proving quite the challenge, as we have already said," sighed the same David Livingstone in conclusion, "and to put the lid on it, we can't get the life-size waxwork of Daniel Lambert through the front door! He's stuck out there in the garden. It's a good job the weather's been fine, though he is keeping the sunlight from lighting the lounge, whose airiness was such an attraction for us. It never rains but it pours, even when it's not raining!"

"I'm already eyeing up a three bedroom in Ringmer!" screeched David Livingstone. "We don't want to go as far afield as that, really, as we want to be in West Sussex, not East Sussex, but needs must when the Devil drives."

"Yes, we don't want to go as far afield as that, really, as we want to be in West Sussex, not East Sussex, but needs must when the Devil drives", confirmed David Livingstone, yesterday, in confirmation of what David Livingstone had just said, or, to be more accurate, screeched.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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