Manchester United Captain Harry Maguire Might Refuse To Play If He's Not Completely Satisfied It's Safe To Do So

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 25 April 2020

image for Manchester United Captain Harry Maguire Might Refuse To Play If He's Not Completely Satisfied It's Safe To Do So
Harry weighing up the situation earlier

The Manchester United and England central defender, Harry Maguire, has sparked controversy this afternoon, after saying that he won't be taking to the pitch to play football again until he is absolutely certain that it is completely safe to do so.

Maguire, 27, said that he has been monitoring the situation closely, and that he won't be risking contracting the Coronavirus if he isn't satisfied that his safety can be 100% guaranteed.

Showing a comprehensive understanding of just how dangerous things are at the moment, the United captain said:

"There'll be no shaking hands, or else I'm not playing! And all that 'exchanging pennants' stuff at the tossing of the coin - that'll have to go! Nobody wants those pennants, anyway."

He highlighted several areas of the game that would be unsafe:

"What happens in a situation where I have to tackle someone? Or go up for a header in the box? Are you telling me there's no chance of catching the virus? Won't the virus spores survive on the surface of the ball?"

And he was less than confident about the testing procedures:

"Are they going to test us just before the game? In the dressing room? How long do the tests take to analyse? I'm not sure this is going to work."

Maguire has told United boss, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, that he has spoken to his girlfriend, Fern Hawkins, about the risks, and she thinks he might be a bit paranoid, but will stand by him and any decision he makes.

Maguire was signed from Leicester City last summer in an £80million deal, making him the world's most expensive defender.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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