Like distilleries now making hand sanitizer and the big three automakers converting assembly lines from automobiles to make ventilators, Ivanka Trump has restarted her clothing business to do her part in helping America get through this pandemic (all the way to the end) with her new line of designer body bags.
Ivanka’s clothing line closed in July of 2018 after she took a position as Senior Advisor in her father’s administration and said that she did not have the time to devote to the business due to her daddy’s constant demands for attention and lap time. Shortly after the decision, speculation circulated that the real reason was due to poor sales, with her brand being dropped by numerous department and clothing chain stores nationwide. Whatever the reason, she is back with a new line of all-season outerwear that is guaranteed to flatter even the most blood-stained and phlegm-covered corpse.
“I just wanted to give back,” she stated in a recent interview. “So much attention is being given to my daddy’s leadership in this crisis, I wanted to be a part of it, to be on the front lines of this war, but without the bleach injections and odd radiation things.”
Unlike the past, where her designs were described as “Overpriced, poorly constructed, and unflattering on anyone who doesn’t share Ivanka Trump’s exact body type,” Ivanka said this new line is different: “Unlike my rocking slender body, this line is appropriate for the average size American woman, a seam-splitting size 14 to 16, as well as catering to population segments that are most vulnerable to succumbing to the virus.”
When asked what she meant by the last comment, she blushed and continued: “Daddy did not want me to make such special accommodations, but the truth is that people of color are dying at a greater rate than those of us from non-shithole countries. Four out of five are obese, so the bags are larger down the middle than that of the Caucasian bags. We designed this line with colorful Rasta-designs, zippers that are well below the beltline, and zebra and camouflage prints. Under multi-licensing agreements, they can be ordered emblazoned with hip-hop branding from The Hundreds, DGK, Trukfit, Diamond Supply, Primitive, and more. We even have one that sports the signatures of Diamond and Silk, two of my daddy’s favorites of them.”
Ivanka adjusted her own ‘Square Neck Ruffle Sleeve Top’ and continued: “We are also doing limited edition designs to give back to the very good people who have supported us for years. There is a special Georgia edition coming out next week with a colorful flag from the League of the South, and daddy asked me to design one named ‘The Duke’ that is completely white, with an optional fun red and black cross.”
Knowing that we are “flattening the curve,” at the conclusion of the interview we asked about the longevity and subsequent profitability of this new endeavor. Ivanka broke into a huge smile, and beamingly said, “Oh, daddy and I have big plans for that. Just like he did not take action in February so we could have this deadly surge to get me back into business, he is now pressuring states to ‘open for business.’ This will get people back to work, attending sporting events, and, in general, around each other, so they can spread the virus love. Since states will take turns opening up throughout the summer, think of the sales this fall!”