Local Housewife Comforted That Homeowners’ Association Will Support Her in These "Unprecedented Times"

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Sunday, 26 April 2020

image for Local Housewife Comforted That Homeowners’ Association Will Support Her in These "Unprecedented Times"
Mary Hungerford in her home in Carbondale (artist's rendition)

(Carbondale, Illinois) In these times of uncertainty that surround the Coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe, many people feel isolated, with few physical and social links to keep them grounded. To help understand this, we called Illinois resident Mary Hungerford the other day to ask her how things were going.

“Things for me have been surprisingly positive,” she commented. “I have a whole collection of correspondence that seems to grow daily from everybody I give my money to. From American Express to Zappos, all of them have reached out with a personal email to let me know they are there to support me in these ‘Unprecedented Times’.

"I thought I was the only one who thought of our current situation with the Coronavirus that way, but it seems my credit card companies and I share a common mental bond that gives me the confidence to get through things.”

She beamed with pride and pulled up another email.

“Look at this one - my internet provider’s CEO has sent me an email where he says he has demanded the company, ‘...continue to focus on network reliability and performance in these unprecedented times.’ It’s even signed by him! Think of that - a busy CEO was nice enough to sit and write me an email to say he is pushing his company to continue doing what I already pay good money for!”

She then dug a letter out of her desk drawer and gushed, “Look at this one - it’s a keeper! It’s from my homeowners' association, addressed to ‘Resident’, and says that despite these Coronavirus ‘unprecedented times’, common area maintenance and trash pickup will still occur and that I should keep sending them my $75 a month check.

"Now, THAT’S an organization that understands my need to keep things as normal as possible...it even speaks my language!”

While the Coronavirus continues to circle the globe in an unrelenting march to find itself in every corner possible, many are comforted to know that all businesses, from multinational corporations to local houses of worship, will help any and all of their customers through uncertainty and doubt...in these unprecedented times. Because, were it not for a virus killing hundreds of thousands of people, they wouldn’t give a f--k, right?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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