President Trump Doubles Down on “Injecting Disinfectant” with Additional Advice

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Saturday, 25 April 2020

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(Washington, DC) President Trump recently defended his statement that Americans could help slow the spread of the Coronavirus by injecting disinfectants at yesterday’s daily Coronavirus Task Force press briefing by offering up additional advice that should be followed. The President’s wife Melania and daughter Ivanka made a rare appearance at the briefing to presumably make some inspirational statements that appealed to the “Be Best” campaign or reviving a failed designer clothing line, though those topics were never covered when Trump firmly grabbed the spotlight.

“As you know, I have the best instincts when it comes to illnesses, I really have a head for it,” the President stated. “As you know, my uncle was a very famous MIT doctor, so some of the things I do to stop infectious diseases from spreading are more instinct than based on so called 'experts'. I can’t wait around for most facts because of my great instincts. One thing I would advise to the great people of America is change the way they apply liquid hand soap when they wash their hands. While most may be content to a single pump of soap for both hands, I always use two. More soap means excellent, excellent coverage against this China virus and any other illnesses other countries send us, because they are not sending their best. With two soap pumps, I am staying vigilant in keeping this beautiful, beautiful country safe.”

The President continued, “I believe the best thing all Americans of this great and beautiful country can do is to use my two pump method. As a matter of fact, it may be too soon to tell, but I could see myself getting called ‘Two Pump Trump’ as this method gets more popular.”

After some low level snickering in the White House press corps subsided, Trump was asked to confirm his nickname. “Absolutely, if the country wants to go with it, and it saves the lives of many, many Americans of this great and beautiful country, I welcome it. Moving forward, I want to be known as ‘President Two Pump Trump’,” he emphasized.

Melania and Ivanka were asked if “Two Pump Trump” was something they could associate with the President. Melania quietly said “He has been using the two pump method for years,” and Ivanka added “He taught me the two pump Method the first time I sat on his lap.”

The Coronavirus may be continuing an unchecked spread around the globe, but many folks worried about it can now rest safer knowing “Two Pump Trump” is quickly leading the charge to fight back and be rid of this terrible load.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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