Trump's Top Coronavirus Medical Recommendations

Written by Amiko Aventurista

Friday, 24 April 2020

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Eureka! I discovered the cure!

Declaring himself the most qualified medical expert in the world, President Trump dismissed the Food and Drug Administration, (FDA) Administrator and appointed himself the new FDA Chief. During his four-hour news conference, where he asked and answered his own questions, he announced his recommendations for fighting coronavirus. HIs announcement comes just one day after refusing to back down from his controversial recommendation regarding use of disinfectants to kill the sometimes lethal virus.

President Trump explained his recommendations and noted everything could be purchased without a prescription, thereby avoiding health insurance which millions have lost due to mass layoffs. With his usual theatrical flare, the President dimmed the lights after each recommendation and raised the lights when a recommendation was shown on the screen. Trump recommended:

1. Spray and wash. "It removes stains from my white shirts when I spill spagetti sauce."
2. Windex. "The windows of my Trump tower building shine clean like diamonds."
3. Febreze. "After a drop a load, it makes the White House smell of roses."
4. Desenex foot powder. "It killed the funk on my toenails, and can kill a weak virus."
5. Easy-off. "Melania burns everything leaving the stove dirty, but with easy-off everything goes away, no problem."
6. Raid. "Before Raid, I had a big problem with roaches at Mar-A-Lago, but no more."
7. Summer's Eve. "You need to ask Melania about that one."
8. DW40. "Spray in the lungs, and the virus will slide down the toilet."
9. Lemon Pledge. "Everyone knows lemon is a disinfectant."
10. Preparation H. "Helps you sit in comfort so you can cough out the virus."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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