The Spoof Acquired By The ONION In Hostile Takeover

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Wednesday, 22 April 2020

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BILLINGSGATE POST: The Wall Street Journal announced today that The ONION, an American satirical digital media company based in Chicago, has acquired its counterpart in Great Britain by going to its shareholders to get the acquisition approved; a hostile takeover that surprised money experts on both sides of the pond.

Mark Lowton, who founded The Spoof in 2001, is said to have pocketed a tidy £4 million in the transaction, which came together only when Managing Editor, Monkey Woods, was included in the transaction. He is thought to be the future replacement for The ONION’s current editor, Chad Nackers.

For years, The ONION has been proselytizing low paid Spoof writers by offering them salaries that Mr. Lowton wouldn’t match. In an interview back in 2016 by The Guardian, CEO Lowton was quoted as saying, “Why should I pay those idiots, when they will work for nothing?”

While most of the Spoof writers agreed to be included in the transfer, ONION CEO Mike McAvoy explicitly excluded Abel Rodriguez from joining The ONION’s stable of writers. In an oblique aside, McAvoy said that he believed in quality over quantity in writing.

Citing Dr. Billingsgate as an example, he explained that Billingsgate was a “diamond in the rough”.

“For Christ’s sake, the sum bitch owns twelve doctorates. He hasn’t come close to reaching his potential. The coveted Bulshitzer Prize is not beyond his grasp.”

Slim: “I wonder if Dr. B is going to take me with him.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. What’s this “me” shit? I thought we were a team.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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