Spoof Writer Criticises Coronavirus Guidelines

Written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 10 April 2020

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The very model of appropriate distancing: the Spoof Forums, yesterday.

A long-standing Spoof Writer has spoken out about the current guidelines that are being discussed and debated by so many intellectual giants and idiots alike in these turbulent but also very quiet times when the dangers are very real but at the same time invisible.

Erskin Quint, for it is he, made the statement yesterday.

"These recent guidelines", he stated, yesterday, "represent an enormous challenge for so many people. Take the recent guidelines promulgated on The Spoof, stating that one should publish no more than one story per day.

"Now, I can understand the rationale behind all this. Clearly, if writers publish too many stories, there is a danger that the key Editorial Service might be overwhelmed at a time when resources are scarce and the Spoof Powers That Be are very much absent, as far as preparation and management of the situation goes (which is not very far).

"Of course, we would want to avoid this, and I can see that the intention to "flatten the curve" of stories in the Approval Center (sic) is an honourable and genuine one. We all want to avoid the kind of peak that would lead to a disastrous crisis for the struggling Cambodia-based Editorial Service.

"However, consider for a moment that, from the beginning of 2017 until yesterday, I published 14 Spoof News stories. To write a story a day would be, for me, nothing less than a Herculean task such as Hercules himself faced when he was given the Herculean task that has made him such a household name in post-Brexit Britain.

"Rather than these draconian exhortations, surely writers such as myslef(sic), who have oft shunned the drab pleasures and meretricious glister of celebrity and populist rabble-rousing, whose impact upon the Editorial Service has e'er been virtually non-existent, deserve the strongest approbation. Surely we point the way forward, to a post-viral world where, chastised and admonished by bitter experience, we might return to a more vital and essential way of life.

"Where is the praise, and where the recognition, for those whose maxim is "quality not quantity"? Even if, as I suspect, the word "quality" does not belong in that maxim, then the alternative maxim, "not quantity", in these straightened times, is surely worthy of a nod from on high?

"As far as the guidelines on social distancing go, I have no complaint or desire to adjure or entreat. The Spoof Forums, through which I occasionally wander on my permitted daily constitutional perambulations, are the very model of appropriate distancing. Indeed, the meeting of two writers in that crumbling Gothic ruin is no less poignant than the meeting of Stanley and Livingstone in Darkest Africa."

And with that, he was gone, across the waving fields of alfalfa, towards the golden sunset vale, resplendent in the plangent gloaming. A lone voice in a clamouring world.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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