CDC Encourages Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pandemic, Which Will Likely Be More Like Leprosy

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

image for CDC Encourages Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pandemic, Which Will Likely Be More Like Leprosy
Habits learned during COVID-19 will serve people well in an increasingly toxic world, encouraged the CDC.

Congratulating Americans on their response to the deadly worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouraged people that they'll be able to apply the lessons they’re learning from coronavirus in the next pandemic, which will likely be a disease more like leprosy than a mere respiratory flu.

“People are sacrificing everything, including their relationships, their mental health, and their livelihoods, to avoid a virus that's extremely unlikely to kill them," said CDC Commissioner Robert Redfield. "We should all feel very proud."

And while some have questioned whether the societal and emotional toll taken by the global lockdown might dwarf the actual physical risk posed by COVID-19, Redfield emphasized that people's habits of self-isolation and hyper-vigilance regarding viruses and bacteria will not go to waste, since the next pandemic is not only expected to come along very soon, but will probably be much more severe than coronavirus. "People who complained about social distancing when no one around them was even feeling sick, might not have such a problem with it once they start seeing people's limbs rotting and falling off," he said. "At that point, they'll be glad they got used to hanging around the house.”

He added, "In fact, once we're facing the next super-virus or antibiotic-resistant super-bacteria generated from our animal agriculture system, people will wish that all they had to worry about was COVID-19."

The bottom line, said Redfield, is that in responding as compliantly and obediently as they have to the shelter in place orders and other COVID-19-related restrictions, Americans have been developing life skills that will continue to serve them extremely well in our increasingly toxic world. “I hope that gives people some hope that this hasn't all been in vain,” he said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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