Healthiest Man In The World Dies Of Coronavirus

Written by Dewani Unhatched

Monday, 6 April 2020

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Chris P Bacon RIP

The officially healthiest man in the world, Chris. P. Bacon, has died after having tested positive for the coronavirus COVID-19. Chris was admitted to hospital at 11.30 this morning, with three gunshot wounds to the chest, but died shortly after being tested for COVID-19.

His wife, Smokey, who inherits his 10-million-dollar fortune, said: "he was fine this morning, but then he started to have breathing trouble, so we called the ambulance, and it just happened so quick. One minute he's fine, the next he's another casualty of this terrible disease. I'm absolutely devastated."

Chris, who was only in the news last week for an alleged affair with 23-year-old model, Judy Swallows, was crowned healthiest man in the world three years running by The Burger King Foundation,. A spokesman said: "We are all shocked by the news. Not only had he won the competition more times than anybody else in history, he was also the heaviest man to ever win the competition."

Chris's neighbor, Yolanda Squatpump, said, "I can't believe it. One minute he's having an argument with his wife in the back yard, then the next he's suffering from this 'coronarona viral demic' thing. People have to take this seriously. It's a pandemic, for god's sake."

*Thanks to AW for the inspiration.

More people have now died from coronavirus than trouser-related deaths, and this reminds us all that we should take government advice and wrap ourselves in cling film, kill our pets, and hide in a cupboard.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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