Americans Find Cornoavirus Best Warded Off by Lying on Couch and Watching a Lot of T.V.

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 14 March 2020

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Randy Stephens thanks coronavirus for transforming his character defects, like laziness, into assets.

Amidst panic over the COVID-19 epidemic, which prompted United States President Donald Trump to declare a national emergency, many Americans report finding that coronavirus is best warded off by lying on the couch and watching a lot of T.V.

“The content doesn’t seem to matter so much as the T.V.-watching itself,” said Matt Henderson of Nashville, Tennessee, who, although he hasn't been tested for the virus, believes that he has managed to fend off COVID-19, despite recently stopping into a local coffee shop to use the restroom. “The main point is rest, preferably in a reclined position, combined with intensive exposure to media.”

Karen Larson of New York City, agreed. “In our society, being ‘lame’ and not wanting to get up and actually do anything remotely out of the ordinary, gets a bad rap,” she noted. “But it’s now apparent that being lame offers significant health advantages. COVID-19 has shown us that isolating, turning down any and all invitations to public places, and avoiding interaction with other humans, is not just a rewarding way to live, but could actually save your life.”

Randy Stephens of Louisville, Kentucky, summed up many Americans’ attitude toward the pandemic. “I’ve always been pretty lazy and unmotivated, and I felt kind of bad about it," he said. "But now, thanks to COVID-19, I feel totally justified. My character defects have been transformed into assets. Thank you, coronavirus!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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