Coronavirus Q&A Survival Kit

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 14 March 2020

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A medical picture to cheer you up

The threat from the Coronavirus is real.

The spread has been rapid, and every country on the planet is now at risk. Amidst the tidal wave of information and misinformation, many people are concerned about their futures, and their chances of surviving the deadly plague.

We at TheSpoof.com share those fears, and have decided to provide a selection of your questions, and the best medical advice we can offer.

"Sir,

I remember, back in London in the 1960s and 70s, seeing signs in lodging house windows saying: "No blacks, no dogs, no Irish", warning off those 'undesirable elements of society'. If I put a sign in my own front window saying "No Coronavirus", is this likely to work?"

O. Danton
Whitechapel

Spoof Chief Medical Officer:

No

______________________________

"Sir,

I often play 'hide and seek' with my toddler. I hide, and he seeks, but, when it's his turn to hide, he just puts his hands over his eyes and says "ready!" He assumes that, because he can't see me, I can't see him. Is this likely to work with the Coronavirus?"

Alison Optimist
Rochdale

Spoof Chief Medical Officer:

No

______________________________

"Sir,

I am old and frail. At 89 years old, I have nobody to take care of me, and my 67-year-old neighbour does all of my shopping and washing for me. With all of this in mind, do you think the virus might show some compassion, and leave me alone?"

Gladys Dimwit
Shrewsbury

Spoof Chief Medical Officer:

Nah

______________________________

"Sir,

I understand the virus is spreading easily from person to person, and there is a need to avoid large gatherings of people. How large a gathering is considered safe?"

John Nomates
Rhyl

Spoof Chief Medical Officer:

One.

______________________________

"Sir,

I like watching wildlife documentaries. In one of them, recently, I saw an ostrich in danger of being attacked by a lion, putting its head in the sand. Is this a good idea?"

Albert Headsand
Butlins

Spoof Chief Medical Officer

This, in the medical profession, is what we call being 'pro-active'.

______________________________


"Sir,

I am 97 years old, male, a Forces' veteran of many conflicts, and now suffer from chronic heart and lung disease, high blood pressure, asthma, and a list of illnesses and conditions as long as your arm. I also think Donald Trump is great. Should I worry about the Coronavirus?"

Jim Patriot
Wisconsin

Spoof Chief Medical Officer:

Hmm...

______________________________


"Sir,

I know that there aren't yet any supermarkets there, but is it a good idea to flee to the North Pole? How about the Moon?"

Maxine Flipside
Oregon


Spoof Chief Medical Officer

Eh?

______________________________


Remember, although the Coronavirus is a potentially fatal, quick-spreading disease, and many people may die, statistically, it is not likely to be you.

Dr. Brian Liar
Spoof Chief Medical Officer

(Only some of the above is true)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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