The Vatican—Saying “God has now miraculously revealed how to turn seven loaves and a few small fish into a worldwide smorgasbord,” a Vatican spokesperson announced today that their scientists have figured out the physics behind the process of transubstantiation, the sacrament by which some ordinary wine and a wheat wafer can be turned into enough Jesus meat and blood to feed a church full of hungry Christians.
Using the discovery—the details of which are being kept secret by the Church pending the granting of a patent for a Catholic-inspired fast-food chain—Vatican scientists apparently turned a bottle of Blue Nun and a wafer of wheat into enough potable blood and Jesus (including leg, loin, rib, sirloin cuts, etc.) to feed the population of a small country.
Now the Vatican, hoping to fulfill its mission of feeding ALL of God’s children, plans to open fast-Jesus restaurants worldwide, in order to undersell fast-food chains like McDonald’s and Wendy’s, ad maiorem Dei gloriam!
“We hope, too, that ingesting Jesus worldwide, especially in developed countries where He seems to be on the wane over the last half century or so, will provide the kind of nutrition that will really stick to believers’ ribs!” quipped the same Vatican spokesperson.
It’s rumored that Evangelicals, fearing the threat to their faith posed by fast-Jesus chains and working from DNA gathered from the late Billy Graham, are trying to develop a new strain of meat for what they hope to market as Billy Burgers.