To End World Hunger, Vatican Scientists Replicate Transubstantiation

Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Thursday, 2 January 2020

image for To End World Hunger, Vatican Scientists Replicate Transubstantiation
Billy Burgers, available at a Billy Burgers near you!

The Vatican—Saying “God has now miraculously revealed how to turn seven loaves and a few small fish into a worldwide smorgasbord,” a Vatican spokesperson announced today that their scientists have figured out the physics behind the process of transubstantiation, the sacrament by which some ordinary wine and a wheat wafer can be turned into enough Jesus meat and blood to feed a church full of hungry Christians.

Using the discovery—the details of which are being kept secret by the Church pending the granting of a patent for a Catholic-inspired fast-food chain—Vatican scientists apparently turned a bottle of Blue Nun and a wafer of wheat into enough potable blood and Jesus (including leg, loin, rib, sirloin cuts, etc.) to feed the population of a small country.

Now the Vatican, hoping to fulfill its mission of feeding ALL of God’s children, plans to open fast-Jesus restaurants worldwide, in order to undersell fast-food chains like McDonald’s and Wendy’s, ad maiorem Dei gloriam!

“We hope, too, that ingesting Jesus worldwide, especially in developed countries where He seems to be on the wane over the last half century or so, will provide the kind of nutrition that will really stick to believers’ ribs!” quipped the same Vatican spokesperson.

It’s rumored that Evangelicals, fearing the threat to their faith posed by fast-Jesus chains and working from DNA gathered from the late Billy Graham, are trying to develop a new strain of meat for what they hope to market as Billy Burgers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Subscribe…
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more