Bernie Sanders Revivified After Sacrificing a Libertarian at an Alter to Karl Marx

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 18 October 2019

image for Bernie Sanders Revivified After Sacrificing a Libertarian at an Alter to Karl Marx

Pundits noticed that Bernie Sanders look positively revivified at the last Democratic debate, bouncing on the stage and gesticulating like a sixty-year-old angrily chasing some kids off his lawn.

And what explains Sanders’ sudden burst of energy, after having a heart attack? According to a reporter from The Wall Street Journal, an unnamed source from the campaign told her that Sanders had taken part in a ritual blood bathing, as he sacrificed a Libertarian at an alter to Karl Marx, repeating, as he did so, “Death to Ayn Rand! Death to Ayn Rand!” (One of his aides later explained to Senator Sanders that Ayn Rand, aside from a lot of mediocre writing that some find deep, had been dead since 1982.)

The insider from the Sanders campaign said that in the past the Senator had a blood boy to provide him the bi-annual revivification he needed to keep going strong at 78, but that when word got out that he was not paying his blood boy enough, he quit using him. That, some believe, is what led eventually to his heart attack.

“But the Senator's riding high now!” the Wall Street Journal reporter was told by the unnamed source from the Sanders campaign. “Now, if only we can find enough Libertarians to keep the Senator going strong through the rigorous campaign ahead! I’m sure we won’t find any in the Republican Party anymore,” he said. “Are there still any in the Libertarian Party?”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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