Nashville Man Does a Total Three-Sixty

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 29 December 2019

image for Nashville Man Does a Total Three-Sixty
Rather than settling for half-measures like a one-eighty, Bertram Harvest urges people to go full circle. "It's worth it."

Discontented with life as usual, Bertram Harvest of Nashville, Tennessee, did a total about-face, followed by another, ending up in precisely where he had started.

“What goes around comes around,” said Harvest. “In this case, it was me.”

According to Harvest, he’d expended a great deal of energy trying to get in shape so that he could meet more women. “I thought it was men that were supposed to be superficial about looks, not babes. Boy, is that a crock. No girls wanted a fat boy like me – at least not any I wanted to see naked.”

But when his best efforts at lean living yielded negligible improvement in either his health or his love life, the frustrated Harvest decided to do a total one-eighty and stop trying altogether. “I went straight to the closest restaurant and ordered the most decadent dessert they had on the menu – a hot fudge brownie sundae.”

As he spooned up the last bit of creamy goodness, however, it came to Harvest's attention that the cafe he'd stumbled into was a vegan restaurant – and even his over-the-top sweet treat was entirely plant-based. “At that point, I realized the universe was on my side. Everything was conspiring to get me eating healthier. It was a kind of miracle.”

In that moment, it occurred to Harvest that his brief spiral into utter health-abandon had now come full circle, and he was back into aspirational intentions of eating and living a healthier lifestyle. Intent on his rediscovered priority of living clean and lean, he proceeded directly to the produce section of the local grocery store, where, in front of the broccoli display, he met an alluring woman whom, he realized, he did want to see naked. After some friendly small talk about the benefits of cruciferous vegetables, they exchanged phone numbers.

Now, six weeks later, Harvest reports that things are working out even better than he ever could have predicted – as is he. “Five times on average, sometimes more. And that’s not even counting walking Bella’s dog.”

What, if any, takeaway lesson does Harvest have to offer from his experience?

“Don’t settle for half-measures like a one-eighty," he urged. "Go full circle. It's worth it."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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