Desperate FDA Authorizes Two Christmas Cookies per Day during Holiday Season

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 21 December 2019

image for Desperate FDA Authorizes Two Christmas Cookies per Day during Holiday Season
Oatmeal cookies are a great way to meet your whole-grain RDA.

Desperate to prevent Americans from ignoring its half-hearted health recommendations altogether, the Food and Drug Administration authorized eating up to two Christmas cookies per day for the duration of the holiday season.

"We encourage people to start fresh on New Year's Day," said FDA Commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn. "Make 2020 the year that you vehemently intend to lose those stubborn last eighty pounds."

Denying accusations that the FDA is ineffective and driven by corporate interests, Hahn emphasized that the FDA's normal, non-holiday dietary guidance will continue to remain in effect, including the recommendation that Americans consume at least three servings of whole grains per day. For that reason, Hahn encouraged people to make at least one of their daily cookie choices of the oatmeal or other whole-grain variety. Cookies with health-promoting spices like ginger and/or cinnamon also top the list of the FDA's recommended cookies.

"It's these little changes that really add up over time," said Hahn.

And for those Americans for whom a mere two cookies would feel uncomfortably deprivational, Hahn suggested making homemade cookies more generously sized. "We want people to see firsthand that they can do this. It's simply a matter of being strategic."

Interested in some FDA-approved cookie recipes? Visit www.fdalipitoralliance.web

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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