Nashville Man Cleared of Douchebag Allegations

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 27 December 2019

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The verdict is in on Ned Hackett (second from right): non-douchebag.

Accused of being a docuchebag by a woman with whom he wanted to have a casual sexual relationship, but was unwilling to actually date, Ned Hackett was fully exonerated by a jury of his peers, who heard his case at an East Nashville bar.

"To me, it went a long way that he was honest with her," said Ken Bordeaux, who joined in the general consensus of non-douchebaggery. "He could have led her on by taking her on a few token dates, and then just using her for her body. The fact that he didn't do that really speaks to his character."

Freddie Mason, who was also part of the peer group to exonerate Hackett, agreed. "Besides, nobody actually dates these days. It was pretty unreasonable of her to even suggest it, if you ask me."

And another jury member, Luke Fisher, noted, "He even implied that she was too good for him, telling her that, honestly, she didn't want to date him. That was a truly classy move, if I've ever seen one."

On his part, Hackett says that while it feels good to be exonerated by a jury of his peers, at the end of the day, what truly matters is whether he himself feels comfortable with his own behavior - and he most certainly does. "Women are nuts, man. Dodged a bullet with that one, I'd say. Moving on."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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