National Premature Ejaculation Day, What You Need to Know

Funny story written by P.J. Maggitti

Friday, 22 November 2019

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The only known cure for premature ejaculation !!!!!!!!!!!!!

WEST CHESTER,PA—Good things come to those who wait and to those who can wait to come. Bad things, unfortunately, are the fate of the one in five men between the ages of eighteen and fifty-nine who suffer from the social scourge of premature ejaculation (PE), which is also the most common sexual cock-up affecting men under forty.

Worse than having a micropecker, dropping your wad immediately after penetration--or, god forbid, during foreplay or dinner--will earn you the undying scorn of fair and foul maiden alike. What could be worse than hearing your partner say, "Is it in yet?" How about, "Are you finished already?"

As measured by the American Medical Association's Dictionary of Sexual Dysfunction, premature ejaculation occurs within eight seconds of the onset of vaginal penetration. (The AMA does not define PE for oral or anal sex, though we suspect these delivery methods might accelerate the problem--and potentially put somebody's eye out.)

No one knows what causes PE. A diet lacking in umami, political preference, an overwrought imagination, significant weight gain, another pressing social engagement, a hummingbird metabolism, fear of her husband or boyfriend returning home, serotonin deficit, and kale are among the usual suspects.

Among the usual remedies for PE are the pause-squeeze technique, which doesn't work so well with left-handed men; the stop-start technique, which doesn't work with any men; adding CBD, wheat germ, cod liver oil, and lotus root to your diet; picturing Drew Carey naked; reciting the pledge of allegiance; or counting backwards from one hundred.

A potential breakthrough in the centuries-old struggle against PE--a struggle first depicted on the walls of the Lascaux Cave in southwestern France--arrives with the release of Rabbitrol (Merck) early next year.

In double-blind trials Rabbitrol not only delayed orgasm but also increased reported sexual satisfaction. The percentage of men rating control over ejaculation as "OK to awesome" increased from 2.5 per cent before taking Rabbitrol to 51.8 per cent after taking it. Rabbitrol was equally effective in delaying orgasm in men who prefer self-sex. Among men who practice sex with other people, the percentage of their partners who reported feeling satisfied by sex increased from 25 per cent without Rabbitrol to 47 per cent with it.

"It gets in rapidly; it gets out rapidly--in the bloodstream, that is," said Dr. Ryan Longwell of the Mayo Clinic. "The only side effects we've noticed thus far are an exaggerated self-esteem, an inclination to brag, and a tendency to grossly over-report estimates of the passage of time." He further noted that the effectiveness of Rabbitrol, which is also known as "Hamburger Helper," does decline markedly among men who ejaculate during foreplay or dinner.

Next Ellen: Lesbians suffer from premature ejaculation, too

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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