New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Saturday, 2 November 2019

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Dapoxetine is made from the root of the Rabbit's Foot cactus.

SAN ANTONIO - Johnson & Johnson, makers of No More Tears, electrified the proceedings of the American Urological Association here yesterday by announcing the development of a drug that stops premature ejaculation in its tracks. That drug, dapoxetine, is made from the root of the Rabbit's Foot cactus, a small, rapidly developing plant that grows wild in the desert near Quick, Arizona.

"Between 10 and 30 per cent of all men suffer the embarrassment and frustration of premature ejaculation," said Richard Longwell, M.D., chairman of the Department of Urologic Surgery at the University of Minnesota. "Dapoxetine puts an end to their frustration—and, by extension, that of their sexual partners."

Premature ejaculation, as measured by the American Medical Association's Dictionary of Sexual Dysfunction, occurs within one minute of the onset of sexual intercourse—an interval that feels scarcely longer than a Google search to most women. Mature ejaculation, by comparison, occurs more than six minutes following penile introduction.

According to Dr. Longwell, dapoxetine, which is also known as rabbitrol, not only delays orgasm but also increases reported sexual satisfaction. In one clinical trial the percentage of men rating control over ejaculation as "OK to Oh, yeah!" increased from 2.5 per cent before taking rabbitrol, to 51.8 per cent after taking it. Dr. Longwell also noted that rabbitrol was equally effective in delaying orgasm in men who prefer sex with themselves.

Among men who practice sex with other people, the percentage of their partners who reported feeling satisfied by sex, increased from 25 per cent without rabbitrol to 47 per cent with it.

What's more, says Dr. Longwell, rabbitrol is fast-acting while producing few side-effects.

"It gets in rapidly; it gets out rapidly—in the bloodstream, that is," said Dr. Longwell. "And the only side effects we've noticed thus far are an exaggerated self-esteem, an inclination to brag, and a tendency to grossly over report estimates of the passage of time." He also cautioned that the effectiveness of rabbitrol declines markedly among men who ejaculate during foreplay or dinner.

Although the Food and Drug Administration is reviewing an application for rabbitrol, the drug, known as "Hamburger Helper" among some researchers, will not be available in pharmacies for at least a year. In the meantime, men suffering from premature ejaculation will have to make do with present "treatments," which are largely confined to counter-intuitive thinking: picturing Drew Carey naked, reciting the pledge of allegiance, or counting backwards from one hundred.

Even after rabbitrol is approved, its effectiveness will depend on men's willingness to come forward and discuss the problem with their doctors. Toward that end, Johnson & Johnson is developing an advertising campaign that will tap public figures afflicted with premature ejaculation—or public figures willing to say they are for a hefty fee.

A source close to Johnson & Johnson reports that former President William Jefferson Clinton is being considered as the face of rabbitrol. In beta versions of television adverts, a younger President Clinton sits behind a desk in a replica of the "oral office." Flashing his boyish grin, he looks down the camera's lens and says, "If I had had rabbitrol, I wouldn't have been busted by the stains on that woman's dress."

In related news, the Guinness World Records book lists 12.5 seconds as the current benchmark performance in the premature ejaculation category. It is held by Harry "The Hummingbird" Watson, a tax consultant with England's Inland Revenue.

The mature ejaculation record, an impressive 67 minutes, belongs to former Police lead singer Sting, an authority on tantric sex. Mrs. Sting was frequently seen using a walker in public following the certification of her husband's record.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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