Scientists discover rare 70s pervert DNA

Saturday, 16 November 2019

image for Scientists discover rare 70s pervert DNA
From recent fossils, it is believed that perverts were cold-blooded, had feathers, and some could even stand upright

In the dried-up crusty lining of an old New York theatre seat, scientists have discovered a mosquito perfectly preserved in a globule of petrified spunk. Incredibly, the mosquito had bitten a pervert in the cinema, and scientists were able to extract his DNA.

"This is one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs since the cracking of the egg," said boffin Geoff D'Na. "If we could find a womb from a related species, such as a human female, then we could actually clone a 70s pervert."

Shady international conglomerate Geneticom have already bought up a warehouse of discarded theatre seats from a closed-down porn cinema. They have also obtained a private island off the coast of Costa Rica where they plan to open a theme park featuring the revived creeps.

Geneticom spokesman D2641 explained, "We have designed a theme park for all the family to enjoy the sights of actual dinosaurs from the 1970s. It would be quite safe - we plan to keep the perverts in a large wooded enclosure surrounded by electrified fences, and we would keep armed guards on hand. Anyway, the 70s pervert lacks the intelligence to be able to escape the park. Even if they could somehow get hold of a helicopter or speedboat, their arms are too short to be able to steer properly."

However, some geneticists have voiced their concerns. Dr Ian Iains was flabbergasted. "It's completely reckless. I heard that Geneticom are even attempting to recreate a Savile. Such creatures should be left in the history books. They don't realise how dangerous this is."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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