"If Premier League footballers can benefit from selling the use of their image, then why can't I?" asked John Thomas Hardwicke, alias the Cerne Abbas Giant, in conversation with The Spoof at his Dorset home.
"For years and years, since the invention of photography, people have been using my eleven-metre erection for entertainment purposes by taking snaps or printing postcards of my rock solid man meat . Did you know that a postcard of me is the only photograph of a stiff cock which the Royal Mail will knowingly accept for posting?
"It's also a bit awkward when courting couples or infertile young women come up the hill and have it off on the end of my knob for fun, or in the hope of conceiving. I mean, how would you feel if a couple are going at it hammer-and-tongs while you're there feeling as if you want to join in? It's just not right.
"You know, it's bloody difficult keeping it up like this for 24 hours a day, and for what? Not even a pittance. The National Trust owns this hill and I've written them a stiff letter telling them that, if I don't get some financial recompense for my hard work, I will be downing my tool before the next tourist season."