Walmart Introduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Thursday, 31 October 2019

image for Walmart Introduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams
We've got to try the Heavenly Gash next time.

NEW YORK—Walmart Inc [NYSE: WMT, 116.92, ▲ 0.90 (0.78%)] announced yesterday that it will begin selling CBD-infused dental dams in all its retail outlets by Thanksgiving. The move is seen by industry analysts as an attempt to boost dental dam sales—an attempt, if you will, to encourage Walmart customers to put their money where their mouths are.

"Dental dams have traditionally been a 'forgotten' item in big box stores," said industry analyst, Martin Lacrosse Sr., of Merrill Lynch, who tittered slightly over box. "The addition of trendy flavors like mocha latte to appeal to millennials did not result in the turnover that retailers wanted, so Walmart is obviously banking on the massive appeal of CBD."

That appeal, which has been used to improve sales of everything from peanut butter to shaving cream to motor oil, is tailored to the millennial lifestyle.

There are only so many hours in a day," says part-time courier Jared Pitemkin. "If I can make time to have sex, which is a lot easier than making time to blend my CBD smoothie, it's a win-win."

Walmart's CBD-infused dental dams will be available in 250mg, 500mg, and 750mg strengths, in 500- and 1000-milliliter sizes. Additional flavors will include heavenly gash, Cherry Garcia, and pussy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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