Obama Urges Democrats to Be More Moderate by Adding Kill List to Green New Deal

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 19 November 2019

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Increased threat of eco-terrorism is a risk of the Green New Deal, says Obama.

Warning Democratic presidential candidates that they are turning off voters with their overly-liberal agendas, former United States president, Barack Obama, urged Democrats to move in the direction of moderation by adding a secret "kill list" to the Green New Deal.

"People are concerned about global warming, but they want to feel safe," said the former president. "And, for all its advantages, the Green New Deal poses a heightened risk of eco-terrorism."

Obama went on to assert that a secret "kill list" like the one he oversaw during his presidency, which targeted individuals suspected of terrorist activities for assassination by the U.S. government without charge or trial, could be just the thing to make the Green New Deal more palatable to environmentally-conscious Democrats concerned about national security.

He noted that the kill list employed during his presidency proved extremely effective in facilitating the swift drone-killings of individuals, including civilians and even some United States citizens, in Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, and elsewhere, without the typical hassles of due process.

"No one wants lie awake at night worrying that an eco-terrorist will come after him for not using an energy-effcient light bulb - or eating a burger," said Obama. "An eco kill list is a sensible way to mitigate those concerns."

And while some have questioned the legality of Obama's proposed "eco kill list," pointing out that the American Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit against Obama regarding the kill list employed by his administration, Obama reminded nay-sayers that he used to be a constitutional law professor.

Until such time that an eco kill list is implemented, however, Obama urged people not to underestimate the threat posed by eco-terrorism. "It's true that not many people care enough about the environment to commit eco-terrorism, but we can never be too careful. An extreme animal rights activist could be lurking right around the corner."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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