Five Celebrity Marijuana Brands We'd Like to See

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Wednesday, 13 November 2019

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Celebrities don't have original thoughts or even original sins, but they do have brands.

Celebrities are such douche bags. There isn't a fad, folly, or exercise in futility whose bandwagon doesn't come rolling down Rodeo Drive but that celebrities don't go running after it in the agitated pursuit of significance. Or money. Or notoriety. Or because they don't know what the fuck else to do. They're celebrities, über alles. They don't have original thoughts or even original sins, but they're big on feelings, and they've got insatiable needs about their anal-bleached wazoos.

Having "influenced" clothing, baby names, politics, and personal care products to death, celebrities have trained their lyin' eyes on medical marijuana. It's happening, mon, and who but celebrities to make it happen better for everybody?

Willie's got a brand. So does Snoop, that has-been Tommy Chong, Whoopi Goldberg, David Crosby, and one of the Grateful Dead's drummers. Even legally dead people--you know who you are, Bob Marley--have brands, and so do clapped-out "celebs" like Melissa Etheridge and Chelsea "Do Me" Handler. Medical marijuana is the new "woke," and some glorious day, on some red carpet at some awards show, a celebrity will be asked, "Who are you smoking tonight?"

In the meantime, as we await the drop of Martha Stewart's brand, here are five people whose marijuana brands we would like to see.

Pete Buttigieg, celebrity presidential candidate. The Pete's Promise line is your bog-standard collection of pre-rolled joints, concentrates, salves, and tinctures. It's only distinction is the first medical-marijuana-infused butt plug on offer.

Lebron James, celebrity athlete. Pros: The King's OG Kush is available in blunts, shatter, live resin carts, and a miracle paste that replaces lost hair. Cons: tends to loosen tongues and make you talk shiite in the presence of microphones.

Larry King, ass-kisser to celebrities. An obvious choice. Weed is the only thing he hasn't shilled. His brand, The Other Larry OG, complements other King products such as Revival Hemorrhoid Salve.

Barack Obama, president of celebrities. Another obvious choice. He used to smoke weed, probably still does, but instead of leaf, he'd promote a high-end line of edibles in his Presidential Pardon brand. All hybrids, of course.

Taylor Swift, celebrity singer and former teen goddess. Not content with starting her own brand, Swift launches a CBD company which offers products and services for tired, overextended, and frustrated moms and their daughters. Her brand, Swifties Selfies, features an all-pink collection of CBD products with virtually no THC or men in sight.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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