Area 51, Nevada - A really cool and mysterious secret source from the White House sent a super sensitive coded message to the press today, stating that Area 51 is actually President Trump's Sooper-Dooper Maxi, Top Secret, Big, Giant Blanket Fort, and that no one was allowed to enter, especially smelly girls, unless they knew the secret knock and password.
"It's really badass," said the source, who calls himself Captain Neeto. "I've been there, and you haven't, cos you weren't invited. It's a huge fort made out of couch cushions and blankets and stuff, and it covers three square miles and everything, and it gives you magical powers too. Gives you magical powers. And Uncle Donald lets me have cookies and candy and stuff."
Captain Neeto states he is not allowed to say who the other guys are in the club, but that, if you knew, you would really be jealous for sure.
"We spend most of the time preparing for enemy attacks," says Neeto. "My job is to reinforce the fort with pillows and books. Then we practice thwarting attacks from Media Man whose super power is that he's a big, fat, stinky liar."
Neeto stated that they crawl around a lot with their guns (unloaded) and shoot at each other. "It was so cool," says Neeto. "Yesterday, Uncle Donald let me play the part of Media Man. We crawled around under the blankets and stuff, and I saw Uncle Donald and everything, and I pointed my gun and went Padow! Padow! Pew-pew! You's dead,G-Man! And he says, 'Nuh-uh! I got you first!' And I said no you didn't, I shot you when you weren't looking! And he said he had thrown a Truth Grenade, which is actually just my rolled-up sock, and that I had to fall down. I said that wasn't fair. He pointed his gun point blank in my face and went, 'Padow-splat! Gotcha that time, Media Man!' And so I laid on the ground and we rolled around and giggled, then had cookies and Pepsi and stuff, Then it was time to go home."
Neeto warned that if anyone came to the fort uninvited, especially any stupid girls, they were in for a secret surprise. "We don't want you here," Neeto said. "It's our fort and we made it, and you can't just stroll in here and mess up our fort! That's not fair! Go make your own stupid fort! This one's ours!"
The anticipated crowd threatening to descend upon Area 51 is in for a surprise according to Neeto. "We have a top secret, secret weapon that will take them all out," Neeto stated. "It's an ArmaLite AR-15 with charging handle located on top of the upper receiver, protected within the carrying handle with a twenty-five round magazine that fires ten .45 caliber rounds per second and will completely tear apart any invaders who come to Area 51 without being invited. Neat, huh?"