Neocons Dismayed to Realize New "Public Charge" Rule Means Immigrants May Take Jobs Americans Actually Want

Written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

image for Neocons Dismayed to Realize New "Public Charge" Rule Means Immigrants May Take Jobs Americans Actually Want
Some fear that self-sufficient immigrants won't want jobs Americans shouldn't have to do, like slitting chickens' throats.

While neoconservatives initially applauded President Donald Trump's new "public charge" rule, tying green card eligibility to immigrants' financial resources and education levels, they were dismayed to subsequently realize that the new law means that, rather than ending up as poorly-paid slaughterhouse workers, farm workers, or domestic staff, immigrants welcomed under the new law are likely to end up taking jobs that Americans actually want.

"Gosh darn it," said frazzled Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, who explained that he'd spent a great deal of time considering the implications of Trump's new law. "We can't have Americans doing the crap work that illegals currently take care of! Americans are meant to enjoy eating chickens, not have to slit their throats for a living!"

Continuing with his analysis, Kemp stated, "The thing is, the self-sufficient aliens we let in probably won't want those jobs, either. If they can get their hands on a professional position, they might well go for that, rather than sticking with the chicken-throat-slitting." He shook his head. "Honestly, this all puts us in a bit of a pickle. We might have thought this new law through a minute longer."

Nevertheless, President Trump stands by the public charge rule.

"It's true that the highly educated, financially secure immigrants that get to come to the U.S., may end up getting decent jobs," he said. "But they'll be extremely reluctant to seek any sort of housing benefits, nutrition assistance, or preventative health care. The new law may not be perfect, but that's real progress."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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