Rambunctious Whisky Just Can't Sit Distilled

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 21 September 2019

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No stranger to the hard stuff, Captain Jack has been on the rocks more than once.

His barley roots notwithstanding, Captain Jack, a whisky of Scotch descent from Brown Water, Missouri, is still feeling his oats. "I get antsy," he said. "I just can't sit distilled."

Although aged for over a decade, Captain Jack is not willing to be placed up on a shelf and forgotten about. "They don't call me fire water for nothing. I may be smooth, but I ain't dead."

Indeed, Captain Jack's energy level is evident from his golden glow. Even so, he's the first to acknowledge that his life hasn't always been easy. "I've been on the rocks quite a few times. But if you can't handle the hard stuff, what's the point?"

And so, while some would have him go down easy, Captain Jack is confident he's got a few rounds left in him. "One of these days, I'll find myself a sweet little honey hole and lounge around with the fancy folk, but until then, I wanna be in the wild. Ain't nobody getting my angel's share just yet."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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