Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 6 April 2019

image for Screaming, Crying, Throwing An Intensely Psychotic Fit, And Drinking Heavily Seen As Possible Methods For Getting Through Writer's Block

Wisconsin. The results of a state-wide survey conducted by numerous academic departments within the University-Of-Wisconsin System, indicated that throwing a massive and psychotic fit, screaming at the Moon, crying intensely, and drinking hard liquor could be possible methods for getting through writer's block.

After analyzing responses from phone calls as well as questionnaires and emails that were sent to Alumni who graduated with English Language and Literature Degrees, top university officials came to the conclusion that being open-minded, calm, emotionally-balanced, and patient, are merely 'old-fashioned' and 'pathetic' ways to get through the wretched condition that prevents 1 out of 10 intelligent and deeply-creative individuals from constructing beautiful sentences that can be pleasantly enjoyed by readers.

Willingness to consider alternative perspectives, the ability to handle 'kind' suggestions, growing intellectually and spiritually as a human being, and gently accepting constructive criticism were also completely 'out of the question' as the results of the survey pointed out that displaying uncontrollably psychotic, profoundly truculent, behemoth-like, desperate anger before harming yourself (and possibly others) through excessive alcohol abuse, can potentially help talented writers who are struggling to come up with new ideas.

Although not explicitly stated in the final report, walking around in anxious circles and punching yourself in the face repeatedly until you go 'out-of-this-world-fucking-berserk' with unfathomable amounts of deeply-rooted and internalized (unexpressed) rage, before slicing your genitals off and sodomizing yourself with a broken tree branch, were recommended methods that aspiring writers can employ before producing that first 'eye-opening' sentence that will make readers look twice at what you have to say.

Drinking an entire bottle of Whiskey or EverClear (and cognitively damaging yourself while ignoring the long-term effects of alcohol consumption) before falling down a long flight of stairs leading to your basement floor, and then weeping all night long in a helpless, fetal position, was also implied as a tactic for writers struggling to get away from clichéd thoughts, boring statements, constantly-repeated jokes, and repetitive statements that co-workers often say to each other such as "Hey, It's Friday again," in order to stay original.

Being long-winded and abusing adjectives, prepositions, and gerunds in an incoherent manner while not paying attention to corresponding past and present-tense verbs, however, was advised as a mistake that can easily be solved by any obsessive-compulsive writer pained by grammar mistakes who is willing to go to work on Monday, place his or her own typing fingers on a 12 inch, 9 centimeter-wide wooden board, and 'self-correct' by activating an Industrial Sawzall with a fresh, razor-sharp blade.

"I think it's important that writers always stay fresh and up to date on current issues," English Professor Richard Kline stated, as the exhausted graduate student responsible for publishing his ideas and research fell over dead behind him while leaving a giant pool of slowly-expanding blood all over the floor.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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