Theologian Comes Up with Brilliant New Rationalization for Why God Doesn't Answer Prayers

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 29 June 2019

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In low-tech Biblical times, miracles were commonplace, with little lag time in the answering of prayers.

To the relief of many determined to believe in God, despite the lack of evidence of any participatory deity who intervenes in any noticeable way in the workings of the human world, Christian theologian Dr. Mortimer Lane of Nashville, Tennessee, has offered up what is, to many, a highly credible rationalization of why God doesn't reliably answer prayers: cell phones.

"Our signals are so jammed up that they're blocking the system," said Dr. Lane. "You want God to hear your prayers? Get off your phone."

According to Dr. Lane, who holds a degree in divinity and Scientology, the Divine Father communicates with the mortal world via energy fields - which have become cluttered with electronic signals like never before.

"Back in the biblical days, miracles were commonplace," said Dr. Lane. "There was virtually no lag rime between the human ask and the divine answer."

With the advancement of technology, however, that lag time increased. "That's why miracles decreased in frequency, particularly following the Industrial Revolution," said Dr. Lane. "Even the common prayer became less effective."

It was for this reason, says Dr. Lane, people began finding it necessary to retreat to isolated areas in order to get in touch with God.

These days, of course, miracles are all but unheard of, and prayers almost never seem to be answered, causing some to question God's very existence. But He's still there, and He still cares, says Dr. Lane; it's just that the stratosphere is so polluted with electrical impulses that God's bounty and grace can't get through. And that's why starving children praying for food, and teens praying to be relieved of their sinful homosexual urges, aren't getting the results they'd hoped for. God's transmission of the granting of these wholesome desires has been stymied by humans' high-tech smog, so to speak.

"It makes sense," said 23-year-old Lucas McGinty of Dr. Lane's  scientifically-based theory as to why God doesn't seem to actually do anything to help humans. "I knew it couldn't be God's fault."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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