Representatives of the meat, dairy and egg industries have come out in support of the controversial push by some to recognize veganism as an official religion entitled to the full protections of the First Amendment, simply so that vegans will stop taking it so seriously.
"Vegans are so extreme in the way that they don't want stop living their values for a second, not even when they sit down to have a snack," said Rich Montague of the American Beef Association. "Whereas, for instance, I'm a devout Catholic, but other than on Christmas and Easter, I really don't think about it too much."
Montague added that if veganism does become an officially recognized religion, he expects that vegans will ease up on their hardcore views about compassion and ending unconscionable suffering to billions of sentient beings - trillions if you count sea animals, which many vegans do - and simply touch on those subjects on holidays.
"Religion is supposed to enhance your life, not hinder it," said Montague. "It's supposed to provide comforting beliefs and if you're on board with the dogma, you get a reward in the next life. Hopefully, if veganism becomes an official religion, these animal rights folks will start focusing less on what they're actually doing, and more on praying. It'll make life a lot more peaceful for everyone. And aren't vegans supposed to be all about peace?"
Montague added that he himself is a meat-eater, but if veganism does become a religion offering eternal salvation, he'd probably be willing to make a tax-deductible donation in the interest of earning some divine points.
"Cover your spiritual bases is my motto," he said. "And besides, isn't there some pretty decent vegan cheese nowadays?"