BILLINGSGATE POST: Slim was never the smooth talker who instinctively said the right thing. Pretty little Simone, his third wife, thought she had won the matrimonial equivalent of lotto when Slim proposed to her on Facebook. Tired of Moscow’s brutal winters and her job with the KGB that required her to pee on hotel beds, Simone jumped on the chance to live in America with Slim.
Once she moved in with Slim, after two years of marriage, she never thought much of his crude habit of having her pull his finger while he reeled off a battery of popcorn farts that made her eyes water, then having to watch his belly roll with laughter as she sheepishly realized she had been tricked once again. In other words, she was the perfect foil for a man who laughed at stuff most men left behind in adolescence.
That morning, Simone had just stepped out of the shower and was looking at herself in the mirror.
“Slim, do you think my breasts are too small?” she asked in broken English.
He had heard that same question before, many times, in fact. Usually, he would reassure her by replying, “No, my Little Russkie dumpling, they are just perfect.”
However, this time Slim squinted his eyes and asked Simone if she had heard of the newest breast augmentation trick promoted by the Kardashians.
“What’s dat, Slim?”
“You take toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a couple of weeks and watch them get bigger.”
Well, Simone tried that for a while with no noticeable results.
“Honey, it doesn’t seem to be working on me.”
Slim: “It sure worked on your butt. It was worth a try.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Just check out the roasts on the Kardashians."