Noting that the current American food system inherently relies on the torture and exploitation of living, sentient beings in order to supply Americans' meat-heavy diet, U.S. President Donald Trump acknowledged that veganism is a social justice issue, but explained that he's not really into social justice.
"I'm not necessarily opposed to it one hundred percent," he elaborated, "at least in certain situations involving white males. But it's not a priority right now."
While many animal rights activists viewed the president's equating of veganism and social justice as an enormous breakthrough for the animal liberation movement, most Republicans saw Trump's comments as offering them an easy out from considering the ethics of what they put on their plates.
"I think the commander-in-chief is right on target linking veganism and social justice," said Vice President Mike Pence. "Our party just happens to have a different platform."
Pence cited the fact that many of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King's family members, including his son, Dexter King, and his wife, Coretta Scott King, have taken King's principles of justice and nonviolence one step further and applied them to the animal community as a clear indicator that veganism is a communist philosophy.
"To put a slightly different twist on King's words," said Pence, "justice anywhere is a threat to injustice everywhere - and we certainly can't have justice creeping into our food system."
Trump agreed. "It's not just food. Our whole way of life is at stake in that steak."