College Students Relieved to Have Excuse Not to Eat with Annoying Vegan Friend

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 5 June 2019

image for College Students Relieved to Have Excuse Not to Eat with Annoying Vegan Friend
Cal's friends agree that lunch is much more relaxed without his hardcore vegan judgment.

After Cal Hartley took an official “animal liberation pledge” promising in part not to publicly sit where animals are being eaten, several of his friends at UC Berkeley were highly relieved to have an excuse not to eat with their annoying vegan friend.

“He would never say anything about what I was eating, but every time he ordered a salad without cheese I could tell he was judging me,” said Melissa Hardgrave. “Who does he think he is to judge me? I’m a good person.”

Fellow UC Berkeley student Johanna Clark agreed. “I like Cal a lot,” she said, “but he’s very extreme. I don’t think it’s healthy. Plus I worry about him, and I was having a really hard time bringing up the fact that I’m pretty sure he’s not getting enough protein. Honestly, this gives me an easy out.”

Only one of Cal’s non-vegan friends, Ben Black, said that he would miss Cal’s company during mealtimes. “I’m super into true crime podcasts, and I know other people think it’s a little creepy,” said Ben. “Honestly, it was kind of nice having Cal around, because his non-stop 'justice for all' thing made my personal obsession seem less weird.”

Ben added that he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Cal’s vegan hobby. “We all have our quirks. I’m open-minded. I just roll with people as they are.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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