Letters to the Editor about Donald Trump

Written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 5 June 2019

image for Letters to the Editor about Donald Trump
Get them to rebuild Adrian's' Wall: a Muslin yesterday

Dear Spoufe,

I think it is terrible the way that people are calling Donald Trump a racist, and a bigot, and having a go at Nigel Farage.

Let's face it, at least these gentlemen have the balls to say what we all think.

And what's wrong with a bit of old-fashioned racism anyway? It worked for Churchill when he gassed the Kurds and put those South Africans in the concentration camps. Of course, in those days there was no political correctness gone mad. Nor health & safety lobbyists.

Adolf Hitler might have been accused of racism, but at least he used to get things done. He sorted the trains out, and they were always smart, those Nazis, very well turned-out. They really knew how to organise a rally as well, unlike these pathetic left-wing surrender monkey "protestors" screaming abuse at Nigel Farage and throwing milk. Not to mention the Mayor of London who isn't even English.

The Nazis were clean as well. Lovely, clean people, exercising in the forests.

People never exercise in the forests like that these days. In fact, gym shorts are frowned on by today's "twitter" generations and baby boomers who would be disgraced physically by the Hitler Youths.

And they never had any trouble from the gypsies defecating on people's lawns in Berlin, nor having to run the gauntlets of these fortune tellers and heather-sellers on the estates. No, Herr Hitler sorted that one out once and for all.

And his piece of resistance was, he even got rid of the Jehovah's Witnesses to boot!

Yes he bombed us and would have invaded these shores were it not for our gallant boys in blue. He went too far on that one, I admit that.

But nobody's perfect.


Donald Gargler

Dear Spaff,

Having just watched Donald Trump's address to the Queen with a tear in my eye, I feel that I must protest at those who would call him a sexual predator.

I mean, you can't even be a real man these days without one of these LGBT types having a go at you. What has the humble bacon sandwich done to require the attentions of these fools? Gone are the days when a man could eat a black pudding in piece, or enjoy a nice jugged hare without being defiled by tossed milk.

The way they defecated the reputation of Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris, who were known to enjoy an evening with Margaret and Dennis Thatcher and that lovely General Pinochet, you'd think nobody ever made a rude joke or complimented a woman in the past.

Do they seriously imagine Rome was built without a few saucy remarks from the (admittedly wooden) scaffolding? And the Romans went on to rule the known hemespeheare, hemispfere, haemesphire, world. And what about Constantinople? Did no hand ever stray there?

No wonder they are BLT vegans, they've never known a real man. And for that, Jimmy Savile has to perish on their altar, and Stuart Hall frolic with Eddie Waring no more.

But we the silent minorities know that Mr Trump is here to stand up for real men who recall the days when you could grab a barmaid's tits and kick a poofter's head in and spend less than a fiver, even with a bag of chips and a pickled egg thrown in.


Danny Amontillado

Dear Spluff

these people marring President Trump's visit with their disgraceful protests make me despair of this once-great nation.

I mean, who are they? They've got no idea.

These are the sort of people who don't know how well-off they are. When we used to be content with a weekend in Blackpool for our stag and hen nights, they go to Prague, or Tokyo these days.

Nor did we have the Amazon, to order furniture and fancy coffee-beans at all hours.

I shudder to think what would happen should they develop the time-travel, which is bound to happen, as they want everything yesterday. They'll be having Illuminated Manuscript Workshop Weekends with the Venerable Bede, or Glamping on the Grassy Knoll as Kennedy gets shot.

Dandy Dinmont

Dear Spalfe,

President Trump get's a lot of criticism's about building a wall, to keep out the Mexican's.

What if President Trump does build a wall, to keep out these Mexican's? It's a free country. His country. Not the Mexican's'. And what do these Mexican's contribute to the USA, when they get in?

How many Mexican's president's of the USA have there been? I don't think you need me to extinguish that one with an answer.

Need I go on? I think I do. For I wish we had a government with the gut's to stand up for what we are all thinking, and re-build the Wall that Adrian started in Roman times, to keep out the Scotch, who want to be kept out anyway. The foundation's are already there, they could just build on top of that.

And as for these ISIS scum who want to come back to Britain, why not use them to build the Wall and kill two bird's with one stone, or however many it take's with these Muslin's, they like stoning anyway!

But their's nobody with that sort of ball's in this country.

If only we had our own Trump!

Stand up Bori's and Big Nige, you're hour has come! What a team that would be, to make Britain Great again!

Lord Hammertoe of Giggleswick

Dear Sploafe,

I should like to pass on my appreciation of these American presidents and of how colourful they are. First a Black one, and now an Orange.

I mean, Donald Trump does look like an orangutan crossed with a barrage balloon, but who's counting when it's as entertaining as this.

I bet the Queen's never laughed as much since Margaret was around doing her dirty jokes and smoking Capstan Full Strength and replaying the old 1970s "The Comedians" videos on Boxing Day.

I wonder if Charles spent most of the visit in his bedroom stroking greyhounds like he used to do when Ted Heath came round of a Sunday with his holiday snaps?


Labi Siffre

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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