Wheaton, IL—Biblical archeologists from Wheaton College have discovered, among a pile of scrolls in a ruin in Nazareth, a letter from the Virgin Mary to her cousin Elizabeth explaining why she had to abort her first child. In the scroll, the Virgin Mary details how God, having implanted the wrong divine sperm, sent Gabriel back again to Mary to explain that God had misfired—that she would have to abort this child and God would try again after a few weeks of rest.
Mary wrote, “Well, Gabriel was really embarrassed, as you can imagine. He stumbled, ‘Uh . . . uh . . .I’m not quite sure how to say this. But you know God, what with running the Roman Empire and the rest of the world, has had a lot on His Mind lately. Instead of Jesus sperm, He sent you another divine sperm destined for one of the other heavenly bodies and—since interplanetary travel won’t be invented on Earth for about another 2,000 years or so—you’re going to have to abort this, uh, misfire.”
“I was aghast! I asked Gabriel, ‘But can’t God just undo what He did? Can’t He just kill the zygote?’ Gabriel just laughed, and explained, ‘If that were the case, there’d be many fewer young girls walking around with the offspring of their uncles and fathers and other rapists. I’m telling you, God still rues the day He created pedophiles. At any rate, He considers all sperm He creates to be, as He likes to put it, SACRED—even the sperm of men who rape children. I know! Some crazy shit, huh?’”
Then Mary wrote, “I told Gabriel at this point, ‘But I’m killing a week-old human being!’ And he just looked at me like I was some kind of idiot.”
On hearing of the scroll, the Vatican immediately purchased the artifact for an undisclosed amount and plans to lock it away and put it on the Catholic Church’s Index Librorum Prohibitorum.