AL Neocons Dismayed to Realize Types of Babies Likely to Be Born as Result of Restrictive New Anti-Abortion Law

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 16 May 2019

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In the wake of Alabama's passing of the most restrictive anti-abortion laws in the nation, essentially outlawing abortion at every stage of pregnancy, even in instances of incest and rape, neoconservatives were dismayed when it occurred to them that there are probably a good number of teens of color having unprotected sex.

"Yeah, we didn't quite think this one through," said nonplussed neocon Wallace Ritchie, after statisticians predicted a burgeoning population of black and Latino infants born to sexually promiscuous young mothers of color. "This may change the demographic of our state in regrettable ways," he said, noting that, despite the new anti-abortion laws, pregnant white teens of privilege would likely still manage to find ways to kill their babies.

In a rare moment of candor, he added, "Yeah, we Republicans might have screwed ourselves over a little in terms of how his legislation will affect our constituency base and chances of reelection twenty years down the road. Jesus fuck." He shook his head, frustrated. Then, his face brightened. "Well, we'll just have to get back to hemming in voting rights and maybe do a little creative redistricting, if you know what I mean."

Ritchie chuckled and cast a reverent glance toward the heavens. "Just goes to show, even if takes some political maneuvering, there's always a way to do what's right. God bless."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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